it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
