She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
