he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
