ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
