I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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