areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I need to stop coming to work sober
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
