There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
