so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
