I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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