So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
