i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm like, not good at living.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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