just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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