I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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