I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
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The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
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He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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