I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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