If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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