some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
