No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
