Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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