So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
don't judge my taste in strippers
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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