the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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