Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
