are you still at the devil's house?
my phone needs a breathalizer
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
