Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
