Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
