remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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