awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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