i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
