2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
