end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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