She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
