the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
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