Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
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she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
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Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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