You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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