Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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