how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Operation Purity has been aborted
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
