my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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