Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
