My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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