I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
