I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
