were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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