I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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