Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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