No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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