I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we're making bets on your personal life
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
