I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just want to make out with him forever
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
