im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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