And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just tell him i said nine months
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
