We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Im part way to drunk.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
